Dude Looks Like A Lady
by flashpenguin
Summary: Pen calls Reid over to help her with a delicate problem concerning her cat Sammy. What should have been a sorrowful good-bye leads to a comedy of errors and a HUGE revelation. Two shot!
1. Chapter 1

_Talking with my little girl the other night, she mentioned how the bird that her father has owned for ever and named Jake, surprised everyone by laying an egg. Well, immediately my brain started spinning and I thought it would make a wonderful story. Not sure about the wonderful part after all is said and done, but the story is done._

_Dedicated to Alii for owning the strangest bird alive. And to Matt for choosing Garcia/Reid. This is my first time with this pair. Hope I haven't let you down._

**Song prompt: "Dude Looks Like A Lady" by Aerosmith**

**~*~ Profiler's Choice 2011 Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds Community ~*~**

**Hosted by ilovetvalot and tonnie2001969**

_It is our pleasure to announce the Second Annual Profiler's Choice Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds community! _

_The nomination ballot is now available, and all rules are posted on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum! Nomination ballots must be received by October 15, 2011 and must be sent to this PM at Profiler's Choice CM Awards. Fics for consideration must have appeared on the CM section of between September 1, 2010 and August 31, 2011 (see rules for full details.)_

**Dude Looks Like A Lady**

Penelope Garcia gave herself snaps in many areas such as her ability to accessorize any outfit, her ability to love and fight to the death for her family, and her phenomenal grace under pressure…until now.

Not many things threw her, but right now, she was not sure what to do. There was a cat in her bedroom dry heaving and panting and for all she knew, pea soup and a spinning head could be next. Could cats be possessed? If so, could she get Agent Hard Ass to call Father Jimmy and perform an exorcism? At least in time to save her beloved comforter?

Dialing, she waited for an answer, but it went straight to voice mail. Slapping her forehead, she remembered that he was out hunting for the weekend. Maybe she could look Father Jimmy's parish up on the internet. Of course he had to have a direct line.

The sound of her phone ringing startled her back to the moment. Grabbing it, she clicked it and spoke quickly.

"Agent Rossi?" she asked.

"No, it's Reid," the voice greeted. "I'm sorry I missed your call. What's wrong?"

"Are you busy? Can you come over? Now?" Pen rushed on without taking a breath.

"What's wrong?" Reid sounded concern.

"The cat is dying."

"The cat is…WHAT?" Reid exclaimed.

"Dying. Don't ask questions, just get your ass over here now!" Pen hung up the phone. Hurrying back to the bedroom, she sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked the cat's head.

"It's okay, Sammy," she cooed. "When Reid gets here, he'll know what to do. I wish I knew what to do to make your suffering less, but I'm only a tech goddess; I'm not a doctor."

The cat briefly meowed and then continued to pant frantically.

"I don't want to have to put you down, but I don't know…" Pen bit her lip to hold back the tears. "I never owned an animal before….and now…I'm going to miss you, Sammy."

Stroking the tabby's soft head, Pen tried to soothe the beast as her tears fell.  
>******<p>

Reid knocked on the door. Penelope Garcia never called anyone. But her call was so frantic and filled with sorrow, that he had no choice but to put off his Dr Who marathon and rush over to help.

The door was suddenly flung open and before he could say anything, Pen threw herself in his arms. Her body shook with sobs. Immediately, he tried to comfort her.

"Aw, Pen…it's going to be alright. I promise," Reid whispered.

"He's dying and there is nothing I can do for him. I tried, but I'm not a doctor."

Reid pulled back and looked the grief-stricken woman with her make up running and her hair out of place and wild.

"Did you call a vet?" he asked.

"No….should I have?" Pen asked stupidly. She had been so worried that the cat was dying, she wasn't thinking clearly.

"It's too late now, though I'm already here and willing to do what I can to help. I don't think I can, though."

"But you're a doctor," Pen argued.

"Not of veterinarian medicine," he corrected. "I may do more harm than good."

Pen shook her head. "No you won't."

From the bedroom a strangled meow sounded. Pen grabbed the young doctor's hand to drag him across the living room space to the bedroom.

"There!" She pointed to the feline turning around in a circle. "Do something, quick!"

"Pen…"

"It's dying, for crying out loud, Spencer!" Pen shouted as the cat dry heaved.

Reid paused. In all of their years together, she had never addressed him by his given name. The moment was more serious than he could have imagined.

"Okay," he agreed. "Give us some room and let me see what I can do." He took off his jacket and laid it on the nearby chair.

"Should I get a bag?" she asked tearfully.

Reid gave her flummoxed look. "Why would we need a bag?"

"To put it out of its misery," Pen wailed.

Reid touched Pen's shoulder gently. "I don't think we need to think so drastically…at least for the moment. Tell you what, why don't you go into the other room and pull yourself together and I will help Kitty."

"Sammy," Pen corrected.

Reid looked at the blonde tech and raised his eyebrow. "Sammy?"

"After Sammy The Bull."

"The mafia under boss?" Reid asked incredulously.

"Would you have rather I named the cat 'Rossi'?" Pen replied. "Could you imagine how well that would have gone over? I mean, how could I euthanize Rossi the cat?" she wailed.

"Pen, it's not that bad. Just go sit down and relax and I'll see what I can do to put Sammy out of his misery."

Pen leaned down and kissed the cat's head. "I love you, Sammy. Be good for Uncle Spencer." Looking at the cat, she jumped as Sammy's stomach moved. "Oh my god!" she cried out and jumped up. "He's going to spew!"

"What was the last thing you fed him?"

"Um….cream of wheat with maple syrup and butter."

"You fed a cat cream of wheat?"

"I had some left over and he seemed to like it."

"Then he got sick?" Reid wondered.

"Yeah. You don't think that made him sick? Did I give him food poisoning?" Pen's eyes filled again.

"I don't think so. Did you get sick?"

Pen shook her head. "No. But what if….? I heard that we aren't supposed to give people food to animals…"

Reid grabbed her shoulders. "Penelope, go to the other room. Now."

Pen turned toward the doorway, but stopped to give one more look at the cat. "Reid, do me a favour?"

"Anything."

"Make sure he doesn't suffer."

Reid nodded. "I'll do my best."

Pen bit her lip and nodded. That was the best she could hope for. She left the room and the cat.

Pulling on a pair of blue gloves, Reid looked at the cat. "It's just you and me now, Sammy. I hope that whatever is killing you puts you out of your misery before I have to. Because I really don't want to have to do what I think I might have to."

Raising his head from the comforter, Sammy blinked at Reid and gave a short meow.

"Why couldn't Morgan have answered his phone?" Reid whispered to himself and bent down to tend to the feline.


	2. Chapter 2

**~*~ Profiler's Choice 2011 Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds Community ~*~**

**Hosted by ilovetvalot and tonnie2001969**

_It is our pleasure to announce the Second Annual Profiler's Choice Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds community! _

_The nomination ballot is now available, and all rules are posted on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum! Nomination ballots must be received by October 15, 2011 and must be sent to this PM at Profiler's Choice CM Awards. Fics for consideration must have appeared on the CM section of between September 1, 2010 and August 31, 2011 (see rules for full details.)_

**Dude Looks Like A Lady**

Pen paced the floor in frenetic steps. There was no sound coming from the room. What had happened? Was it quick? Was it painless? Or had Sammy succumbed from whatever had ravished his body?

"I shouldn't have given him the cereal. It's all my fault," she whispered thru her tears. A loud scream from the other room made her jump out of her skin. "Reid! What happened?"

"Pen, stay out there," Reid commanded in a tone she had never heard before. Another scream followed.

"What's happening? Are you hurting him?" she cried out.

"I'm not hurting him…not really."

"Please don't hurt him."

"I thought you wanted him put out of his misery?"

"I did, but I don't want you to hurt him," she argued passionately.

Dead silence followed.

"Reid?" Pen called out. "Reid, is everything alright?" More quiet was her only answer. "Talk to me!"

"Pen, do me a favour and sit down," Reid called out.

Holding her breath, she did as she was told. For a long minute, she tried not to think of the worst case scenario but what other outcome could there be?

Parting the beads covering the doorway, Reid emerged with a towel in his hands.

"I think you need to see this," he stated simply.

Pen swallowed. Had he really brought her the cat for a final viewing? "Reid…"

"Look." He placed the towel in her hands.

Pulling the corners of the towel back. Pen looked down. Then she blinked. "Is this a…a…?" she stammered. A tiny mew answered back. "How did this happen?" she breathed. She fought against touching the new born kitten.

Reid shifted uncomfortably. "Pen…I'm not sure if this is the right time to go in depth about 'the birds and the bees'."

"Oh," she breathed as she took in the tiny black kitten with wet fur. "Aren't you the most beautiful thing in the whole world?" Carefully, she touched the kitten's head. In protest, the kitten tried to raise its head as it choked out a mew.

"And here you thought the cat was dying," Reid joked.

Pen blushed hotly. "What else was I supposed to think?" She kept her eyes on the kitten. "I guess I can't call your mama 'Sammy' any longer."

"You can call her 'Samantha'," Reid stated. He held out his hand. "Come on," he insisted. "I want you to see something."

"What do you want me to see?" she asked carefully.

Reid smiled broadly. "The miracle of birth. Come on."

"Well, that was fun," Pen said to Reid a couple hours later.

"I have the box ready for them," he said and picked up the mama cat. Placing her gently in the towel lined box, he turned back to the kittens on the bed. "I can't believe she had six of them."

"At least now I know why she got so fat. And all this time I thought it might be worms."

"I'm not sure a tape worm would…" Reid began.

Pen held up her hand. "I get it, Spencer." She took three kittens in her hands. "Grab your three." Turning toward the box, she deposited the tiny kittens next to their mother. Her eye caught movement on the bed. "Reid! I thought I said to grab the other three kittens," she admonished.

"I did! You forgot one!" he shot back.

"No, I didn't; my three are in the box," she declared triumphantly. "See? One, two, three. They are all there."

"Well, I hate to break it to you," Reid replied back, "but I have three, too." He placed them in the box slowly. "One, two, three."

Stupefied, the pair looked at one another, then at the kitten on the bed.

"SEVEN?" they cried out simultaneously. "SEVEN?" They looked at Samantha who just closed her eyes and purred happily.

"Did she just have seven kittens?" Reid wondered stupidly.

"Yep!" Pen answered cheerfully. "And I know exactly what to name them!"  
>*****<p>

"Aren't they adorable?" Em asked as she carefully watched the kittens nursing in the makeshift bed Reid had fashioned out of a laundry basket.

"I love the striped one," JJ remarked. "Can we touch them?" she asked.

"Sure," Reid replied.

Ever so softly, JJ's fingers touched the downy soft head of the newborn kitten. "Oh…" she breathed as tears filled her eyes.

"I still can't believe you thought the cat was dying," Morgan said with a chuckle. "Baby Girl, didn't you wonder why the cat was getting fat?"

"No!" she protested. "I thought it was because of all the food I was feeding her. How was I suppose to know that she was pregnant?"

"Did you even think to look and see if it was a boy or a girl, Kitten?" Rossi asked with a twinkle in his eye. He hunkered down to get a closer look at the kittens. His hand reached out and touched the pure white one.

"I just assumed it was a boy because he…I mean, she looked like a boy," Pen confessed.

"I can see why you're not a profiler," Morgan teased.

Pen wrinkled her nose at him. "I'm just glad Reid answered his phone instead of Agent Rossi."

"Oh," the older profiler asked, turning his head and raising his eyebrow, "and why is that?"

"Because I was going to ask you for Father Jimmy's phone number." The team turned to look at her. "I thought the cat was possessed," she admitted in a whisper. She kept her eyes on the box.

The team burst out laughing.

"Well, how many did she end up having, Penelope?" Hotch asked, shifting the conversation away from his beleaguered tech analyst. He looked at the striped kitten and thought about taking it for Jack.

"Let me say first that we named them," Pen said. "And see if you can keep up," she winked.

"Oh?" Em asked and rocked back on her heels.

Pointing carefully to each kitten, she recited a name from memory. "Hotch, Rossi, Prentiss, JJ, Morgan, Reid, and the prettiest one is Penelope," she stated smugly.

A moment of silence followed as each team member did the math.

"SEVEN?" they said together.

"Yes," Reid answered and touched the kitten that bore his name.

"Wow," JJ breathed. "I'll never complain about having one ever again." She looked with admiration at Samantha.

"Well, that's great that you named them, Mama," Morgan began, "but how are you going to find them homes?"

"Yeah, Pen, are you going to put an ad on the internet?" Em asked.

"Nope. They already have homes," Pen replied.

"Oh really?" Rossi asked. "And who are the lucky owners?"

Standing up with the kitten that bore her name in her hands, Pen smiled broadly at the team that was also her family.

"They will be ready to be taken home in six weeks."

As everyone started talking at once, Samantha laid back and closed her eyes. She had cheated death, given birth, got a new name, and found homes for her kittens all in one day.

And all of her lives were still intact.

It didn't get much better than that.

The End.


End file.
